Life Partner
FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
by Dov Heller,
M.A.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner,
no
one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce
rate of close to 50%,
it appears that many are
making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are
engaged why they’re getting married,
they’ll say:
‘We’re in love’; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people
make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based
on
love. Though this may sound ‘not politically
correct’, there’s a
profound truth
here.
Love is not
the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of
a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the
love
will come. Let me say it again: ‘You can’t
build a lifetime relationship
on love alone’; You
need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you
must ask yourself if you’re serious about
finding
and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life
purpose?
Why
is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married
for
20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with
someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all
that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need
to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a
marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
(2)you can
grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of
life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same
thing.
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings
and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of
the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe
means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I
won’t
get ‘punished’; or hurt for expressing my
honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest
with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel
emotionally safe with the
person you plan to
marry.
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a
mensch?
A
mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can
you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work
on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they
serious about improving themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as ’someone who is always striving to be
good
and do the right ‘;. So ask about your
significant other: What do they
do with their time?
Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic
person is not someone whose top priority is character
refinement.
There
are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People
who
are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people
who are dedicated to
seeking comfort. Someone whose
goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal
comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other
people?
The
one most important thing that makes any relationship work is
the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability
to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys
giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in
themselves and self‒ absorbed?
To measure this,
think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys,
taxi
drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents
and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and
appreciation?
If they don’t have gratitude for the
people who have given them
everything; can you do
nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly
as well.
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change
about this person after we’re married?
Too many people make the mistake
of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to
‘improve’; them after they’re married. As a colleague of
mine puts it: ‘You can probably expect someone to change after
marriage
for the worse’ If you cannot fully accept
this person the way they are
now, then you are not
ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn’t
have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to
try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are
dating;
to be sure to ask questions that will help
you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a
great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you
didn’t
do your homework.
Another
perspective…
There are some people in your
life that need to be loved from a
distance.. It’s
amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at
least minimize your time with draining, negative,
incompatible,
not-going anywhere relationships.
Observe the relationships around you.
Pay
attention…Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel
better or feel worse?
Which ones don’t appreciate
you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you,
boosts you with loving and
caring words or
annotations.
The
more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love
and
truth around you…the easier it will become
for you to decide who gets
to sit in the front row
and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states,
‘Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and
after you marry, close one eye’; Before you get involved and make
a
commitment to someone, don’t let lust,
desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from
others or a low self esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that
you can
change someone or that what you see as
faults aren’t really that important.
Do you bring
out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and
compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control?
What do you bring
to the relationship?
Do you bring past
relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t
make
someone love you or make someone
stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual
discernment, and ‘a life’; you
won’t find yourself
making someone else responsible for your happiness
or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are
the
wrong reasons to be in a
relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG
IS:
1. TRUST
2.
COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING
TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity,
hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON
GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO
GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER
A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN
WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the
relationship will erode as resentment
withdrawal,
abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will
replace.