Life Partner

 

 

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
 
 

 

by Dov Heller,
  M.A.
 
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner,
  no
one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce
  rate of close to 50%,
it appears that many are
  making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!
 
If you ask most couples who are
  engaged why they’re getting married,
they’ll say:
  ‘We’re in love’; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people
make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based
  on
love. Though this may sound ‘not politically
  correct’, there’s a
profound truth
  here.
 
Love is not
  the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of
a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the
  love
will come. Let me say it again: ‘You can’t
  build a lifetime relationship
on love alone’; You
  need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you
  must ask yourself if you’re serious about
finding
  and keeping a life partner.
 
QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life
  purpose?
 
Why
  is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married
  for
20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with
  someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all
  that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need
  to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
 
Two things can happen in a
  marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
(2)you can
  grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of
  life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same
  thing.
 
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings
  and thoughts with this person?
 
This question goes to the core of
  the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe
  means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I
  won’t
get ‘punished’; or hurt for expressing my
  honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine
  defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest
  with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel
  emotionally safe with the
person you plan to
  marry.
 
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a
  mensch?
 
A
  mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can
  you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work
  on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they
  serious about improving themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as ’someone who is always striving to be
  good
and do the right ‘;. So ask about your
  significant other: What do they
do with their time?
  Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic
person is not someone whose top priority is character
  refinement.
 
There
  are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People
  who
are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people
  who are dedicated to
seeking comfort. Someone whose
  goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal
  comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
that before walking down the aisle.
 
QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other
  people?
 
The
  one most important thing that makes any relationship work is
  the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability
  to give another person pleasure.
 
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys
  giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in
  themselves and self‒ absorbed?
To measure this,
  think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys,
  taxi
drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents
  and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and
  appreciation?
If they don’t have gratitude for the
  people who have given them
everything; can you do
  nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly
  as well.
 
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change
  about this person after we’re married?
 
Too many people make the mistake
  of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to
  ‘improve’; them after they’re married. As a colleague of
mine puts it: ‘You can probably expect someone to change after
  marriage
for the worse’ If you cannot fully accept
  this person the way they are
now, then you are not
  ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn’t
  have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to
  try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are
  dating;
to be sure to ask questions that will help
  you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a
  great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you
  didn’t
do your homework.
 
Another
  perspective…
There are some people in your
  life that need to be loved from a
distance.. It’s
  amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at
least minimize your time with draining, negative,
  incompatible,
not-going anywhere relationships.
  Observe the relationships around you.
Pay
  attention…Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
  downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel
  better or feel worse?
Which ones don’t appreciate
  you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you,
  boosts you with loving and
caring words or
  annotations.
 
The
  more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love
  and
truth around you…the easier it will become
  for you to decide who gets
to sit in the front row
  and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
 
An African proverb states,
  ‘Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and
  after you marry, close one eye’; Before you get involved and make
  a
commitment to someone, don’t let lust,
  desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from
  others or a low self esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that
  you can
change someone or that what you see as
  faults aren’t really that important.
Do you bring
  out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and
  compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control?
What do you bring
  to the relationship?
Do you bring past
  relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t
  make
someone love you or make someone
  stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual
  discernment, and ‘a life’; you
won’t find yourself
  making someone else responsible for your happiness
or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are
  the
wrong reasons to be in a
  relationship.
 
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG
  IS:
1. TRUST
2.
  COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING
  TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity,
  hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON
  GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO
  GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER
  A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN
  WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the
  relationship will erode as resentment
withdrawal,
  abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will
  replace.